Samuel Israel Drama Fizzles

Samuel Israel, the hedge fund manager who was convicted of relieving his investors of $450 million, then defined the term “flight risk,” turned himself in today. His surrender was anti-climactic compared to his getaway; which included a faux suicide, indicated by the writing the words “suicide is painless” with his finger in the dirt on the windshield of his SUV (I prefer “wash me,” but then again, I’m not a financial super villain – or an avid fan of MASH). Right away, I was convinced it was fake. But then again, I thought he would be hiding out in a Vegas penthouse, a la Buddy Israel in Smokin’ Aces. Or at the very least getting a completely new face in Rio de Janeiro.

Not so. He was hiding out in the wilds of…Massachusetts?? Come on! It didn’t work on the Sopranos when Vito hid out in New Hampshire indulging in Johnny cakes and mustachioed restaurateurs! When Krusty faked his own death to live the gruff life of a fisherman, he was right back in Springfield the next week. I can’t imagine Israel not seeing these episodes. Did he learn nothing?!

“Suicide is Painless” is the title of the theme song from MASH (yep, that song will be stuck with you for a few hours, sorry), so this man was not immune to pop culture. Even if it wasn’t a TV reference (note: he could also be a Family Guy freak), the phrase is one that’s imbedded in media. The song has been covered many times over (Marilyn Manson, Matt Costa, even sampled by Kelis).

According to the New York Times, Israel surrendered by showing up at the police station in Southwick, MA. He was sporting a Billy Joel beard and riding a Yamaha scooter. After hiding out in an RV, not more than 150 miles from where he left his SUV at the Bear Mountain Bridge, he just gave up. In doing so, I think he demoted himself from future feature film (Stephen Glass probably already has a draft with a better ending) right down to ripped-from-the-headlines Law & Order.